The Adventures of Sock Man

I don't quite remember the birth of Sock Man, only that suddenly he appeared and became a very regular character in my somewhat silly imagination.

In order to familiarize yourself with Sock Man, I've conducted an interview in the form of 20 questions.  I met Sock Man in his penthouse apartment, which is surprisingly lush and comfortable in decor.  I had imagined that he would prefer a more simple style, as his choice of clothing suggests, but Sock Man prefers textures, like shag, velvet and satin, in colors so bold they would *ahem* knock your socks off.  I'm unable to confirm or deny where Mr. Man's apartment is, but in the one afternoon I spent with him, I was introduced to a world I never knew possible.

WifeC: I did some quick internet research on your namesake and came up with quite a few hits that were clearly not you, including the adventures of a cartoon sock puppet and a beggar from NYC.  Looking at you, you don't appear to be either a sock or a beggar, so would you care to explain the why you are named Sock Man?
Sock Man: Well looking at me it's fairly obvious.  I only wear socks.  Otherwise I am, a very naked man.  I once considered wearing a cape to match the red stripes on my tube socks, but I've heard that capes can get in the way and cause injury or even death.  That didn't seem worth it to me, so I'm sticking with socks.  In any case, clothes aren't really necessary for feats beyond human capabilities, but socks are great for any feats feets.

WC: Well played, Sock Man. You were almost funny there. 
SM: I try.

WC: Stop talking. I didn't ask you a question.
SM:  [silence]

WC: Good you seem to understand the concept of an interview.  Next question.  How would you feel about posing for a nudey magazine?
SM: Well since I'm naked all the time, I don't think that it would be especially profitable for the magazine.  But I do get tired of carrying around the censorship bar.  It would be nice to do a photo shoot without it for once.

WC: Since you are naked all the time, how do you handle public displays of affection when you see pretty ladies?
SM: You mean how do I not get a boner?  Well, I don't try to hide it.  Frankly, I've never met a woman who wasn't pleased to see that side of me.  And it's proven to be very beneficial at times... for both parties, in fact.  In any case, what I tend to get embarrassed by, if anything at all, is what I call "reverse e-sock-tion".  This is basically when I can't keep my socks up.  I've tried everything, including garter belts.  I'll have to admit, they weren't very comfortable, but some women really seem to enjoy them.

WC: You seem to be quite promiscuous.  
SM: [silence]

WC: HA! Fine, we won't go there.  Do you receive a lot of fan mail?
SM: Oh yes.  Mostly I get socks from women.  You'd be amazed how many women knit socks for me.  I have quite a collection actually.  I save every single sock I get.  You might think I'd have no need for a closet, but mine is bigger then Imelda Marcos's.  

WC:  That sounds like quite a large closet. So what do you think makes you so popular?
SM:  Well I think part of it is the Superhero/Damsel in Distress complex, if you can call it that.  There are a lot of women out there who want to be saved.  I provide such a service to the public.  There's also the fact that I'm mostly naked all the time and despite that fact, I have an excellent sense of style. I'm lucky to have quite a large female and gay fan base.  In the future, that should help when I retire from superheroism and embark on my Vegas career.

WC: Wow! Vegas?  And what will that be like?  Do you have plans for your entertainment career?
SM: That was three questions.  You get twenty and I'm counting.  Yes, Vegas.  I love Elvis and it seemed appropriate.  I expect it will be similar to some of the acrobatic performances you may have seen, but without the need for ropes and with light-up socks.  My plans for my career beyond saving lives haven't taken shape fully.  They depend, in large part, upon my fans and what they want from me.  At the heart of it, both the superhero and entertainment industries are businesses, and the main goal is to make money.  Of course, I love doing my job, but without demand, I could hardly take care of myself.  I have a hard time being really pissed off at my nemesis, considering we keep each other in business.

WC: Tell me a bit about your nemesis.
SM: He's a white cat named Kumo, which means cloud, but also means spider.  I don't really understand Asian languages, this is just what I'm told.  Personally, I hate spiders, so it was a natural fit for a nemesis.  Really he's just an asshole.


WC: You have a cat that is really a spider for a nemesis and he's an asshole.  How is he an asshole?
SM: Well most would just say that his assholish tendencies are Kumo just being a cat.  General scratching, destroying my stuff, puking on my rugs.  As you can see, I take pride in my home.  Kumo doesn't respect that at all. 


WC: How did you discover that he was your nemesis?
SM: It's really quite simple...  I saw the Sock Signal one night and rushed to the scene of the crime.  There Kumo was, a cute little ball of snow white fur up in a tree, with a little blonde girl begging for me to bring him down.  Little did I know that the girl was really a twisted clone robot that Kumo had developed in order to entrap me.   As soon as I was up the tree to save Kumo, he ensnared me and had his robot carry me to his lair.  That's when I knew I had found my nemesis.


WC: Wow!  What was Kumo's lair like?
SM: Superheros and Supernemeses don't really share anything about their lairs if they can help it.  I was drugged and blindfolded.  This was very interesting considering my superhero abilities.  You see, I'm not easily drugged.  In fact, I wouldn't have had the least clue how Kumo managed to do it, if he hadn't fallen for the classic nemesis monologue.  Evidently, he had his robot girl lace the titanium netting with PCP.  It certainly wasn't a foolproof plan, but Kumo took a shot.  What was the worst thing that would happen to him?  Loose his psychotic little girl robot?  He had dozens, not really a big deal to him.  But he was quite proud of himself in the end.


WC:  I don't understand.  How could you get knocked out by PCP?
SM: Well drugs don't work the same way in me.  Apparently the super strength and high energy that humans get from PCP, well, the drug has the exact opposite effect on me.  This seems dangerous.  I'm not sure it's wise for you to print this information...


WC: Well I guess you're fucked now.  Let's branch out from your superhero side.  I personally love Inside the Actors Studio, so let's take a look at James Lipton's index card questions.  What is your favorite word?
SM: First of all, I think you're cheating by using some other guy's questions.  But, I'll say that my favorite word is macaroon.  Not only is it fun to say, but they sure are delicious.

WC: What is your least favorite word?
SM: Aprosexia. It's just too intense for me, I can't focus on it.


WC: What turns you on?
SM: Drag queens.  Not in a sexual way, I just thoroughly enjoy their ability to be themselves freely.  I envy it, actually.


WC: What turns you off?
SM: Apparently PCP.  Like a goddamn light switch.


WC: What sound or noise do you love?
SM: I really like the sound of icicles being made.  It's fascinating to listen to.


WC: What sound or noise do you hate?
SM: Crunchy peanut butter. 

WC: And of course, the burning question:  where do all the missing socks go?
SM: You mean the ones eaten by the laundry monster?  I'd ask him.  He lives in 2A downstairs.  But I'd expect that you'd find them in his kitchen, if he hasn't eaten them already.